So, Are We Friends or What?

Are We Friends

Dear Diary, I saw him for the first time today since semester break. He told me he missed me and that I looked very pretty. He also asked if I'm free on Friday night to watch a movie. I'm not sure what to think, Diary. I know we're only friends. It's not like we're dating or anything. We just text each other a lot. But why is it like he is so interested in me? Why does he take the time and effort to always be with me? Does this mean that he is beginning to like me?

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"First day of classes. Hung out with a few friends, including my best friend. We're going out on a movie night this Friday."

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Dear Diary, the movie night is over. He treated me out to an ice cream sundae after and said that he enjoyed our time together. He told me that he would love to go on another movie night with me, and even said, "I enjoy spending time with you." I'm confused. Is this a date? Is he hinting at something? Or is he just asking in the name of friendship? Because I think I quite like him. A lot.

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"Best film ever! Glad to see it with my best friend. We spend so much time together—texting, talking—she's become like quite a sister to me."

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Dear Diary, I don't know where to begin or what to say. I reminded him that we had planned another movie "date" coming up this weekend. He said he had forgotten, and was hanging out with some of his buddies instead. I thought he liked me. I thought he was interested in me. Why would he forget something so special and so important then?

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"I think my best friend is mad at me. She reminded me of plans to see another movie this weekend, but I had already scheduled something with the gang. She looked pretty upset, but hey! There was nothing definite. It was just a bunch of plans anyway. She's been acting pretty weird lately."


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So, have you ever been in the same situation where you didn't exactly know how things stood between you and a friend? Ever wondered "So, are we friends or not? Are we something more?" Are you confused because his actions don't match with his words? Or is she saying one thing but doing another?

Actions or Words? It's easy to complicate things in a relationship, especially when what is said is different from what is seen. It is said that people are more likely to believe what they see than what they hear, thus the famous phrase "Actions speak louder than words." People are more likely to watch your actions than listen to the words that come out of your mouth. As a result, when what you say somewhat contradicts what you are doing, they are bound to believe what they see you doing instead of what they hear you saying.

Sounds confusing? Take the situation above. The girl knew they were "just friends," but the fact that the guy was seeking her out, inviting her on movie nights, and treating her to an ice cream sundae sounded like he was genuinely interested in her. Though in the guy's eyes, it was only for the sake of friendship, the girl saw it differently. She saw it as a sign that he was interested in her.

When a guy and girl term their relationship as "friendship" but act differently (spending a lot of time alone, texting/chatting a great deal, doing things together), things are bound to become quite sticky. Either the guy or the girl might think "Hey, he/she enjoys spending time with me. He/she must like me!" Mixed signals—when your words and your actions don't jive—can result in a very confusing relationship.

Communication is the most important part of any relationship. 

Whether friendship. Or courtship. Or dating-ship.

Communication does not only consist of the words that come out of our mouths, but the actions we do as well. People will pay attention to how you react to something that is being said. How you carry yourself in the presence of some people. How you respond to circumstances around you. Body language and all those unspoken thoughts that we communicate non-verbally—whether we are aware of it or not—often speak louder than our words.

David Eastman, a dating guru, says that we become emotionally incongruent when what comes out of our mouths doesn't match what shows on our faces. Thus, dates can get pretty messed up. The same principle applies with friendships. That's why we need to say what we mean, mean what we say, and show it!

If you like someone as merely a friend, show it. Don't spend any more time with her than you spend time with your other friends. Don't text, say, or do things with a guy if you wouldn't do the same with other friends. When these lines are blurred and crossed, the assumptions and false conclusions begin to happen. The result is a confusing friendship, which often ends up with awkwardness on both sides, and thus the friendship is destroyed.

What's to be done? A little awareness goes a long way. Guys need to realize that if they treat one girl in a special way, she's bound to notice and interpret it as a sign that he likes her. Girls need to realize that just because a guy often does these seemingly "sweet" things, it doesn't mean she's romantically special to him.

This is no reason for us to drop down our guards and just be sweetums with everybody. Nor is it a reason to be barely civil with one another. Our goal should be to cultivate a community of accountability and good, Christ-centered friendships, where there are no false assumptions and wrong conclusions—and this starts with you.

Take a look at the friendships you have in your life. Are you accidentally leading someone on to thinking that more than a friendship exists between the two of you? Are you rather confused right now over a friendship with someone? Is there something you need to clarify between the two of you? Share your thoughts below!

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Post by Alyssa Chua, TLW Volunteer. Alyssa is a Sojourner and Explorer. When she is not chasing stardust in distant lands, she is curled up in a quiet corner, reading a book or attempting to write one, Root beer and coffee are bare necessities. To read more of her ramblings, visit http://peraldaiel.blogspot.com.

  • michyeo

    I feel the same way and it is very confusing since his words is different on his actions. He said that we arr just friends and he treats me like a sister but his actions seems different

  • michyeo

    We been acting like that for almost one year. I already said to him that i need to stay away from cause i dont want to fall inlove him but he said no need to do that. We continue as friends. We tend to had little quarrels. And majority of our friends teasing and asking what is our status but he just said we arr just friends.

  • michyeo

    Honestly it is so confusing and i need some advise. Thank you god bless

  • Alyssa C.

    Hello, michyeo! Thank you for your comment!

    Have you ever defined your relationship with your guy friend? Have you both been able to sit down to talk about it and answer the question: are we friends or future mates? While that may sound so serious and something too far into the future to be thinking of, it's something that is necessary to save you from any pain or heart aches. You say that he calls you his sister, and yet treats you differently. Maybe he needs to define the relationship between the two of you, because he is confused as well.

    If you define your relationship as just friendship, then you need to set boundaries that are just for friends--meaning, you would do things with him that you would do with any other friend. No special times, no special treatment between just the two of you. If, however, you discover that there's something between you, then you need to define what exactly it is: are you dating? courting? praying for each other? etc. Defining your relationship will help you a lot and will put into perspective how you're supposed to treat him and act around him.

    God bless you too!

  • Mich

    Hi Alyssa,
    Thank you for your advice. Its been a year ago, and I will
    say our relationship is still the same. Though I ask him before and he
    said sa pagiging magkaibigan, dun lang kami magtatagal. And I don't know
    for me it is just an excuse for him. Though it is hard for me I decided
    to stay away from him for one month. After a month we get back
    together, doing the same stuff as before, we always texting each other
    every morning till night. He let me know what's happened to him on that
    day and letting me know if he will going out to his friends and what's
    his activity.
    I don't know maybe, I am afraid what would be his
    response if I asked him what's our real status. Maybe I am the one who
    need to do what I really need to do. Honestly sobrang nahihirapan ako,
    kasi parang di ko naman sya kayang tiisin lagi. He knows that lagi lang
    akong andyan for him. Something like that.

    Thank you again

    Regards,
    Mich

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True Love Waits is committed to impacting youth by teaching them to be
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True Love Waits speaks in large groups and following it, they train core leaders with TLW workshop lessons. Get full details on how you can invite us to your church, school or barangay,